Alice (singing): ďI was gazing at the moon, I saw ya'.Ē
(Tommy walks in)
Tommy: Hi mom!
Alice: Hi ya' sugar, want some sugar?
Tommy: Is Mel here?
Alice: Nope. He has gone to the bank.
Tommy: Oh, nuts!
Tommy: I have to do a report on aviation and I wanted to ask him something.
Alice: Well, maybe I could help ya'.
Tommy: Mom, women arenít much with airplanes.
Alice: Oh, really? Amelia Airheart was a camel driver?
Alice: Amelia Airheart. She was the first woman attempting to solo around the world.
Tommy: How did she do?
Alice: She got lost in the South Pacific.
Tommy: Iíll come back when Melís here.
Alice: Hey, listen. Did you ever here the expression that "boy stuffiness" didnít get new baseball shoes?
Tommy: Hey, I havenít got nothing against females. Iím a great believer in sexual quality.
Alice: Thatís equality! Did you here that he only wants to talk to Mel? He thinks that woman are useless.
Flo: Heís only 12. Right now you know how they are but you give him another year, sugar, and we'll knock tinker toys right
off his Christmas list.
(Alice notices Tommy left his wallet behind)
Alice: Oh, look, he lost his wallet.
Flo: Well heíll be back in a flash.
(Alice opens the wallet and sees a picture which shocks her.)
Flo: What the matter with you? It looks like youíve seen a ghost.
Alice: Worse! Except for her earrings, this ghost is stark naked.
Flo: Oh! Do you know who she is?
Alice: It ainít Amelia Airheart.
Flo (looking at the picture): It sure ainít, hmm.
Flo: Where did Abe Lincoln ever get the idea that all of us were created equal?
Alice: I canít believe that my Tommy has this! Heís my little baby.
Flo: Now, sugar, thereís nothing to worry about. It simply means that heís starting to think about girls.
Alice: He sure thinks big, donít he?
Flo: Uh huh.
(Tommy walks in looking around for his wallet.)
Flo: Well, hello there, tiger boy.
Alice: Hi! You're looking for this?
(Alice hands Tommy the wallet)
Tommy: Oh, yeah, thanks. I was really worried. I'd sure hate to lose that (he puts the wallet in his pocket).
Alice: Tommy, I saw the snapshot inside your wallet.
Alice: Is that all you have to say? "Oh!" Tell me about the girl in the picture.
Tommy: Well, the guys are waiting for me. Tell Mel Iíll see him later.
Alice: He donít want to talk to me.
Flo: Itís natural heís a little embarrassed.
Alice: Well, well. I guess it's time I have a little talk with my son. Hmm, Iím going to go over to the library get a book on the facts of life.
Flo: Well what do you need a book for? You must know what to tell him or he wouldnít be here to tell!
Alice: Well I know what to teach him. I just donít know how. I want to tell him the best way possible, you know.
(Mel walks in the Diner as Alice walks out)
Alice (to Mel): Iíll be right back.
Mel: What's the hurry? Whatís going on?
Flo: Well, sheís a little upset. She found a wallet in here and it had a picture of a naked girl in it.
(Mel looks shocked and searches frantically in his pockets for his wallet)
Flo: Relax! It was Tommyís wallet.
Mel: Oh! (he finds his wallet and Flo tries to grab it) I got nothing in here except credit cards!
(Alice is reading the book she got at the library.)
Alice: Ovum, which is simply the Latin word for egg is the target of over 500 million male sperm cells.
Mel: 500 millionÖ500 million. You girls have one little egg. One little egg! We have you beat 500 million to one!
(Mel shows his muscles)
Flo: Will you simmer down King Kong we donít need no score board.
Mel: Vera! Customer!
Alice: Spermatozoa to pholpume to ovum. Sounds like the end field to a Italian baseball team.
Mel: Does it have any pictures in this book?
Flo: Yes but you can't see them unless your accompanied by an adult.
Alice: You see, this is when a boy needs a father, Flo. I mean this will be a lot easier for him if it was coming from a man.
Flo: Yeah it's too bad that Iím not currently married or Iíd have a man for ya.
(Vera runs to the counter and gives Mel her order.)
Vera: One order of bacon and scrabbled ovum. How do you like that? Now I can speak Latin!
(Tommy walks in)
Tommy: Hey Mel, say do you still have that book on aircraft carriers.
Mel: Yeah, Yeah thatís in the back office. I will be with you in a second.
(Tommy goes to the back office)
Alice: Mel would you talk to him? I mean before I go through all this I would like to know if he knows anything at all.
Mel: Iíll handle this, Alice.
(Walks to Vera)
Mel: You fix the order.
(Mel exits to back room)
Flo: I remember when my mamma tried to teach me the facts of life. I was 17.
Alice: She taught you the facts of life when you were 17. Thatís like teaching Columbus how to row.
Flo: Well, she was a touch late. Where I come from 13 was considered a late bloomer.
Alice: Every time I tried to ask my mother questions sheíd beat the 4 minute mile leaving the room.
Flo: How did ya ever learn?
Alice: Oh I was lucky. The boy who sat behind me in 5th grade was studying to be a doctor.
(Mel & Tommy reenter from the back room and Tommy proceeds to exit the diner)
Tommy: Bye, mom!
Alice: Bye, honey.
Alice: So, huh?
Mel: Boy do you have troubles. That kid has a dirty mind.
Alice: What are you talking about?
Mel: He knows all that technical stuff like ovary and urethra.
Vera: I know her. Sheís a singer!
Vera: Urethra. I have all her albums.
Mel: Believe me, Alice. Your sitting on a powder cake that's getting ready to go off.
Alice: Okay, that does it. Iím having a serous talk with my kid.
Flo: Now relax Alice. Your going to blow this thing all out of proportion and your going to wind up giving Tommy a complex. Now believe me, honey, the best thing to do is just to ignore it.
Alice: All right. Iíll ignore it.
Flo: Good. Why donít me and you find us a good movie to go to tonight.
Alice: Okay it better be a G movie cause Iíve had a x-rated day.
(Later that night at Aliceís apartment)
Flo: A G-movie, huh. Well that leaves us with a wild choice of one: ďShep, I Dog for All SeasonsĒ.
Alice: Iíll take it.
Tommy: Well, have a good time. Iíll be studying history with a friend.
Alice: Oh yeah. Well if you get hungry thereís some pie in the kitchen.
Tommy: Great thanks.
Alice: Bye, Bye.
Flo: Hey, honey, your doing great.
Alice: Oh, listen when I say Iím going to ignore it. Iím going to ignore.
(Alice opens the door to go out and a lovely looking girl is standing there.)
Nadine: Hey you all. I was just about to ring.
Nadine: Tomís expecting me.
Alice: Tom? You mean Tommy?
Tommy: Hi ya Nadine! Come on in. Mom. Flo. This is Nadine.
Nadine: Pleased to meet y'all.
Tommy: Well come on.
Flo: Hey, that accent... are you from Alabama?
Nadine: That's right. Talabega.
Flo: Talabaga! Did you hear that Alice? For heaven sake, thatís right near where I come from. Well look at her, Alice, with that red hair and all. Sheís a picture of me at that age. Can you see that, Alice?
Alice: Uh huh.
Tommy: Well, come on Nadine. Let's get started.
(Tommy and Nadine go to Tommyís room)
Alice: Get started! Whatís that mean? Let's get started?
Flo: Come on, we have to go to. Come on, ignore remember.
Alice: Yeah, all right.
(Flo & Alice walk out the door and two seconds later Alice walks right back in.)
Flo: Alice, you told me...
Alice: Iím going to ignore it. Iím just going to ignore it at home.
Flo: They are two kids studying history.
Alice: In the bedroom! Thatís not where you study history. Thatís where you make it.
Flo: Your just being silly.
Alice: Yeah, well...
Flo: Well, we're not going to the movies. Let's play some cards.
Alice: Can we play closer to the bedroom. Thereís an awful lot of light in here.
Alice: I think Iíll open the door just a little. Not a lot, just enough to throw a bible in.
Flo: If you donít stop that Iím leaving!
Alice: You are? TOMMY! FLOíS LEAVING COME SAY GOOD-BYE!
(Alice waits and he finally comes out.)
Tommy: Uh, okay, bye Flo. Hey I thought youíve gone to the movies?
Alice: Well it was cancelled. Shep got ticks.. so, ah why donít you guys have some pie served out here.
Nadine: Thank you Ms Hyatt but Iím feeling a little nauseous.
Nadine: It usually hits me in the morning.
Alice: The morning?
Nadine:: Well I better go home. Iím feelin dizzy.
Flo: OhÖ Nadine honey. Oh I bet you're on one of those crazy fad diets, arenít you?
Nadine: No Iíve been gaining weight. I eat everything. Iíd better be going. Boy, it's hot in here.
Tommy: Hey listen. Iíll walk you home. It's right around the corner. Iíll be right back.
(Tommy & Nadine leave)
Flo: Uh huh?
Alice: The nausea in the morning, the dizziness...
Flo: Oh, Alice.
Alice: Oh, your right. It's crazy. Heís only 12 years old.
(They both laugh then Alice walks to her book shelf)
Flo: What are you looking for?
Alice: The Guiness book of records.
(Tommy walks in)
Tommy: Sorry it took so long. Nadine was kind of shaky.
Alice: Yeah I know the feeling. Iím not to steady myself.
Flo: Well huh I will leave you two to chat.
Tommy: How come you didnít go to the movies?
Flo: Your mom had a headache.
Tommy: Boy. first Nadine, now you.
Flo: Some how I donít think their symptoms are related, at least I hope not. Night all!
Tommy & Alice: Night.
Alice: Just sit down please.
Tommy: Uh oh, every time you ask me to sit down, I know Iím in trouble.
Alice: Uh, well somebody is.
Alice: Tommy. Sometimes when two people are close, something happens as a result of that relationship, and you
know that I tell, um, that there should be honesty between a mother and her son.
Tommy: Can I ask you a personal question?
Tommy: Are you pregnant?
Alice: Certainly not!
Tommy: Well, thatís a relief.
Alice: Tommy Iím talking about Nadine!
Alice: Nadine with the nausea and the dizziness...
Tommy: Mom, everybody who is nauseous isnít pregnant, or Melís meat loaf would be elected father of the year. Sheís always sick during mid-terms.
Tommy: Cause sheís a dope. Sheís been left back twice.
Alice: Oh boy, do I feel stupid.
Tommy: You didnít think that Nadine and I um... Oh come on mom. Iím only 12.
Alice: Here I was worried crazy and I could have been watching ďShap A Dog for All SeasonsĒ.
Tommy: You donít have to worry about me. I know it all.
Alice: What do you mean "all?"
Tommy: All Mr. Turner taught us in the sex education class.
Alice: You take sex education?
Tommy: Yeah but he tells it like it is. It sure beats the heck out of algebra.
Alice: Just exactly what have you learned.
Tommy: Everything. Boy Mr. Turner has really opened my eyes. I just thought girls where for hitting.
Alice: And what do you think they are for now?
Tommy: Oh come on mom. Huh, huh.
Alice: I guess I better have a little talk with Mr. Turn-On.
Tommy: Thatís Turner.
Alice: Yeah well Iíll be the judge of that.
(The next day at Melís; Mr. Turner walks in)
Mr. Turner: Hello
Flo: Well hello there handsome. Coffee tea or me?
Mr. Turner: Well they all sound good but Iím looking for Ms. Hyatt.
Flo: Oh well, Iíll get her for you.
Mr. Turner: Thanks.
Alice: Thanks a lot.
(Flo walks up)
Flo: Hey sugar, youíve been holding out on me. Old tall dark and handsome is here for you. He says his name is Turner.
Alice: Oh, oh thatís Tommyís sex education teacher.
Flo: Really! Ask him if he taking on any new students. I could use a refresher course.
Mel: Flo pick up!
Flo: Keep your shorts on Mel. I ordered a hamburger. Whatís this?
Mel: Whatís the difference. It's dead.
Flo: Iím not so sure.
Alice: You see, the thing is, my Tommy is growing up very fast and I want to know what you are teaching him.
Mr. Turner: Did you read about our film in the PTA newsletter?
Alice: No I never got past the paper drive and the fund to buy the football team protective cups.
Mr. Turner: Well if you have read about it you know that we show these films in peoples homes so that they can see what their kids are learning.
Alice: So when do you show it again? Iíd like to see the film.
Mr. Turner: Oh we were to have a session tonight in Mr. Bulleck's home but he got ill with the flu and we had to cancel.
Vera: Alice, check!
Alice: Oh excuse me please.
Mr. Turner: Well then perhaps weíd betterÖ
Alice: Oh (Alice tears the check) excuse me! Oh I know why donít we do it here?
Mr. Turner: You mean your boss might open the diner for us?
Alice: Oh listen. For a chance to feed 20 parents heíd open his grandfather's tomb.
Mr. Turner: Okay.
(Later that night at Melís. The parents are watching Mr. Turners film.)
Mr. Turner: And finally the process of reproduction itself.
(Alice looks on thinking. Vera looks confused. Mel looks on eating a pizza, and Flo, smiling, seems very happy with what she sees.)
Mr. Turner: Youíll notice thereís nothing erotic or stimulating about this film. Rather it's a matter of fact presentation.
Well thatís it folks, what did you think?
Vera: I liked it but there really wasnít much of a plot.
Alice: Mr. Turner, is it absolutely necessary to show this film to 12 year old children?
Mel: Good question Alice.
Lady Parent: But donít you think they would find it, uh, whatís the word... enlightening.
Mel: How about disgusting.
Vera: How can you say that Mel. What would be more beautiful than being naked like Adam & Eve in Paradise.
Mel: Vera get your mind out of the gutter. First they take away prayers, now this.
Mr. Turner: Well we feel thereís a need, Mel. Children are naturally curious about sex. They got a lot of fancies and misconceptions. Weíre
just trying to remove some of the mystery.
Flo: Well, hell, that the best part!
Mel: After seeing this film the only mystery thatís left for me is how come we havenít been rated. I mean you turned my diner
into a pussycat diner.
Alice: Mr. Turner, I mean donít you think these films are just rushing things.
Mel: Oh you beat all. I mean you're just putting crazy & wild ideas into these kids heads.
Mr. Turner: Well, how would you teach them?
Mel: They learn like I learned.
Mr. Turner: How did you learn?
Flo: Badly. Iíve seen some of his teachers.
Mr. Turner: Why do you feel the way you feel, Ms Hyatt?
Alice: Well, for one thing my kid is walking around with a picture of a naked girl in his wallet.
Mr. Tuner: You mean the one with the long earrings?
Alice: Yeah, you know about it?
Mr. Turner: Tommyís responding to peer pressure. Thereís not a boy in that class who does not have that picture. Heís just trying to
be one of the guys.
Alice: I guess I want him to be one of the kids.
Lady Parent: Well I think itís most important. Itís useless to be an Ostrich. I mean, we have to face the fact that we are living in
the 70s and there's movies and television, and kids are turned on earlier.
Mr. Turner: And thatís one of the reasons we need sex education. Pregnancies have increased.
Lady: Well that won't happen to my daughter. I had her on the pill since she was 14.
Alice: 14! Why did you wait so long? Why didnít you slip it into her Pablum?
Lady Parent: Look. Thanks to that and these classes, I can sleep at night. My daughter knows what itís all about.
Alice: But thatís all itís about and your adapting your responsibility. I mean this is just a how-to film.
Alice: Mr. Turner, all the kids see here is just the mechanics. I want to teach my son about love and caring and relationships and
responsibility. I want him to know more than about "itís your place or mine."
Mr. Turner: Exactly. And those values must come from the home. We can only do so much in education. The rest is up to you.
(later in Aliceís apartment)
Alice: Tommy, will you come out here please?
Tommy: Mom, whatís up?
Alice: I want to have a talk with ya. I saw Mr. Turner's film tonight and thereís a lot more to it.
Tommy: There is?
Alice: Yeah, and itís the best part. It's about love and caring and relationships and responsibilities. So thereís no need to be embarrassed, okay?
Alice: Sit down please. Okay, I know you understand about sex, but what goes with it and really makes it work is caring and love.
Alice: So, like when your dad and I met we both felt something special. I got this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was
all jelly-legged, and I swooped whenever I was around him, and that was love.
Tommy: Sounds more like the swanie flu.
Flo: Oh Tommy, what your mamma is trying to say is that sex is more than physical, and with love something special is added to
the relationship. Now you take me & Jud, um, whatís his name?
Alice: Jud Walkins.
Flo: No, Jud, well either one...
Alice: Please Flo! Tommy, love is that something special that your father and I had.
Tommy: Then you have to be married?
Alice: No I didnít say that.
Tommy: Well, then you donít have to be married?
Alice: I didnít say that either.
Tommy: Then what are you saying? I donít understand.
Alice: Look, one day when you have children you will understand.
Tommy: Mom youíre talking in circles.
Alice: I know it, I know it all right. All right, Iím going to start again and donít interrupt me... and you to (nodding to Flo).
Flo: Uh, I didnít say nothing.
Alice: Oh Tommy, I donít know thereís no way. Thereís no way to define love when it happens. Youíll know. Itís a very
special feeling for a very special person, and caring and responsibility are all apart of that kind of relationship. Well it's more than just... oh, oh
Tommy: Jud whatís-his-name.
Flo: Thatís right, Tommy.
Alice: Thank you Flo, so thatís about it for now but will talk again soon so why donít you go brush your teeth and go to
Tommy: Boy this caring and responsibility and love, it's all so complicated. I can see now why I was an only child.